I can't believe this. I can honestly say this is the most angry I have ever been in my entire life, which means a lot coming from me. I'm so angry I am literally sick to my stomach. There is so much animosity for so many different people bottled up inside me right now I can't decide what to do. It's almost comical how much I hate everyone involved in this shitbomb. All I have to say is everyone is really lucky I've worked as hard as I have to control my anger.

( Pictures )

This will make you stronger.

I do feel a little used. I guess I just don't understand it. I don't understand the need for him, or the need to wake up in the middle of the night to go hang out with him. And what's weird is that I can't seem to get away. No matter which path my mind wanders down, it all leads back to her. So I'm kinda screwed. But I can't stay in this holding pattern for too long, cause it hurts too much and to be honest, it diminishes how I feel about her to know what's going on. Maybe that's the ultimate way out. Maybe I'm supposed to just keep hearing about Doug until I can't stand it any more and that's how it ends. Maybe I'm supposed to keep feeding her and taking care of her so she can leave to hang out with him until I just can't take it and feel nothing for her? Maybe. All I know is when she said "You're the only one I kiss like this" and I replied that I wanted to be the only one she kissed, when she frowned at me I could feel my stomach knot up. I don't know what's going on...

I'm actually going to break my streak of non-entry just so I can remind myself that I'm back. I feel good again, and I'm not sure why, but I'm just gonna run with it. Thank you to everyone who helped and supported my during this...thing...with Sarah, you really don't know how much you guys helped. Anyway, I've got way better things to do than sit at the library writing stuff about my "feelings" so I'm out. Peace.

I don't have anything to say really, except I wish I could change it all.

So, new years kind of blew. There was one part that was good, and that was REALLY good, but it didn't really have anything to do with the new year. I'll spare everyone the details, but suffice it to say that there was blowage.

I dunno, I thought I had more to say, but I guess there really is nothing to talk about yet this year.

I like Christmas (or any holiday for that matter) because it's a time where you can just kind of get away from things for a while...

However, I can;t stop thinking about all the things that I have to do as soon as Christmas is over, so here's a list:

1. I need to get a better job, one which pays at least $9.00 an hour.
1-a. Lowes
1-b. construction
1-b-1. Painting
1-b-2. Drywall
1-b-3. Stucco
1-c. Convenience Store?
1-d. Intern? Where?

2. I need to get a vehicle, whether it's a motorcycle or a busted-ass junker.

3. I need to get an apartment, which is damn near impossible around here, and even though Sarah is going to be going away to college soon, I have to get us out of here for the time being.

It doesn't seem like a lot to do, but considering those are three very big things, it's kind of tough. Not to mention the fact that it's hard to find a decent job around here without going mainland...

Sometimes I wish things had been different. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been betrayed by almost everyone I've ever known, and sometimes I wish I knew how to trust people and let go of the past. On the other hand, my distrust of most people is probably what has kept me alive/out of jail until now. I hate how jealous I get, how angry I get, how I can't ever fully forget anything. Sometimes I wish my mind were a hard-drive, so that I could just wipe it clean...

The good news is that the skin on my back has grown thick and leathery in anticipation of the next blade, and let downs are much less painful than they used to be, much rarer as well. I don't know why I get so jealous and angry, but I wish I could quit it and let go of things. I wish my mind weren't so active in plotting out the imaginary courses of people actions, both past and future.

If one is self-aware, what does it matter what other people do? Is it possible to actually find an equilibrium within your own soul? The saying goes: "no man is an island," but is it true that no matter what we do we are at least in some level dependent on each other? If that were the case it would explain the sort of 'hive mind' cults and extremist factions display, but what of the general populace?
If we really are highly interdependant as a species, how is it that individuals can survive alone when lost at sea or marooned on islands or alone in the wilderness? What trigger is it that turns off the absolute need for human interaction and allows for survival despite complete isolation? Could one find and isolate that trigger within their own consciousness? If so, would that person be happier and better off alone? One would certainly have less to be suspicious off, less to worry about and distrust. Would that person begin to sabotage himself to simulate the action of being betrayed by others? It can be supposed that a human being left completely alone might even develop another consciousness in order to create some sort of companionship, be it adversarial or friendly.
If it is true that humanity is absolutely dependent upon interaction within the species, that leads one to assume that a hive mind would be in place, as anything with a true consciousness would find companionship within the same species unneccessary. If that were the case, where is our hive mind? Could we be simply a colony of ants without a queen, running rampant without purpose or direction? Or is it possible that the hive mind is in existence and we have simply grown beyond it's constraints? One is led to the conclusion that there is no hive mind for our species and we simply have bonded with each other so much that a requirement for human interaction has been bred into our genetic makeup.
If that's the case, why is it that we are drawn so much to so many negative interactions? With so much backstabbing and distrust and heartbreak, why do we feel compelled to return again and again and again to the same source of pain? Are we a species of oroborous, willfully causing our own pain and destruction because we think it somehow insures a future for our species? One could suppose, if that is true, that simply from an evolutionary and survival standpoint we have grown too intelligent, too self-aware. Does our consciousness not actually detract from the entire species ability to survive? That theory would explain suicides, murders, wars, and the like. It would appear that the only real answer to that question is "yes." Our intelligence had grown to a level where we no longer possess basic survival instincts and instead depend on both other humans and our own creations for survival, but in depending on other humans we have thrown ourselves into a large masochistic loop that it seems only an event of catastrophic proportions would be able to break...

This is why I can't talk to you.

If you've never listened to "Spacelord" by Monster Magnet, you should, because it will change your life. Well, okay, it probably won't change your life, but you should listen to it anyway because I told you to.

Anyway, two packs of cigarettes and a day of work later I've decided to scrap all this whiny shit. Why, you ask?
"Because!" I shout triumphantly. I am okay. Sometimes it takes a while for me to figure that out, but I did, so I'm going to stop bitching. Plus, bitching doesn't make it better. Also, Batman.

Besides, bitching don't pay no bills! Sometimes it really is like a war with your own mind, trying to stay on top of your emotions, but I'm definitely doing okay now.
I've decided I'm going to start being more creative, like writing and drawing... I was also going to cut off my own ear, but I could only find a plastic butterknife... and I need it to hear things.

Anyway, I wish I had pictures of the Moron Olympics, but I don't. I'll just say that I won the "Who can jump farthest from the roof and land in the full trash can" competition.

Anyfuck, I should go do something productive, like re-creating the Statue of David using only spittle and bread...



Oh, I forgot:
Behold my mind-shattering pelvic thrust of victory!!!!!
Aaaah...that felt good...